A long time ago, Eva and I received a commandment from the Almighty: Be fruitful and multiply! I did what I could; each and every one of you is proof of that. But in recent decades I have been getting the sense that something isn’t quite right. It’s not as if my descendants don’t try to be fruitful, but when there have difficulties with that multiplying bit, it’s nothing but trouble and they stop talking to one another.
I’d like to give my descendents a little helping hand.
Why me of all people?
- I’m the one who started it all. Sure, sure – I’m no longer the Lord of Creation, and to be honest I’m more than glad to be able to share my responsibility for Creation with someone else. But that doesn’t mean that I have nothing left to say about conception!
- I’m also to first to have tried assisted reproduction. Sometimes there just isn’t any other way.
- I’ll admit that not everything worked out for me. I didn’t do a good job at everything. Like for instance how I didn’t pay attention to things going on around me – how I didn’t seek out good information. I relied on the information I got from Eve... and look what happened...
- It’s my fault for not talking things over more with Eve. But it’s not true that I ate the apple without a peep, like they usually say: “...she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.” I had a hunch that it might cause a big fuss, and tried to convince Eve that there were plenty of other apples around so why eat this particular one. But she insisted and tried all kinds of arguments on me until I finally gave in. I’ll say yes to anything instead of having to listen to an insistent, crying woman. Of course, my situation was unique: I didn’t have any other men around to support me – if I don’t count the Almighty. Things are different today: at this very moment, there’s hundreds of thousands of guys on the web, discussing and giving each other advice about all kinds of things. So why not talk about unsuccessful attempts at procreating?
- You probably never noticed that I have only seven sperms. But that’s enough for me. I’ve named them, trained them, and have them fully under my control. What more could a man want?
- I’m the oldest VIP in the world; probably nobody else has had so many jokes told about him. And I’m glad. If life isn’t any fun anymore, then at least let it be funny.